someone's making a racket and I hope it isn't me. I've spent years wanting to live and wanting to die
i'm standing at the top of a hill overlooking a field marked with football lines. It's drastically different from that friday night overkill (cowbells killing brain cells by the dozen). You're running running as fast as you can into a lens flare so angelic it lifts you from the ground. And all of a sudden you're liquid and in my veins and I might just last forever. As long as I know this feeling. You're small and you've got red hair and a beautiful voice and you're the best friend I've ever known. You're the best friend I've ever heard of existing.
---
it's probably two when I decide to make the trip to the supermarket. I've spent hours with heavy limbs and heavy eyelids torn down by the storm. I'm mouthing words that I cant hear or understand. That don't exist. It's like my brain exploded out my forehead and I'm lying still with the shards of my skull and the globby bits of brain surrounding me and I'm still breathing and I can feel it all but I'm not really alive anymore. Because I can't do a thing about it. So I stand up and scoop up my mind and put it on my dresser. And I get in my car. The neon hurts my shriveled eye sockets so bad i just stand in front of the boxes for too long. But since I left my brain at home I don't know what to choose I don't know what would do the trick I don't know anything at all. So I leave it for another day.
---
what does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me, into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly, because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again. I'll only wind up dead this way, knowing very little, and getting that little fragment wrong too.
Open up and help me in
You know I fear how long it's been
sing me to sleep sing me to sleep i'm tired and i, i want to go to bed. sing me to sleep sing me to sleep and then leave me alone.
---
why am i never hungry anymore. i can't finish one slice of pizza in two different sittings. i'm just full all the time. full and homesick to my stomach. worried and tired.
the song im listening to by accident reminds me of The Diviners. lying in the bed of the truck with my face painted. the set of everywhere and nowhere. Hannah with long hair climbing under the deck talking about apocalypses and DRUMS DRUMS! What? Are those people! Alive? The walls seem to be closing in! Expeditions to Shell. And all is well.
It's light outside and I didn't even realize it. 6:23.
('a scanner darkly'; 'mickey rourke' - the relatives; 'asleep' - the smiths)
